Heading Home

All things must come to an end, especially vacations. It's been a long week full of fun and relaxation, and now, as I'm heading home, I'd like to pause for some reflection. One thing I observed is the different approaches people take when vacationing. Some people vacation to see places, other people vacation to see people. This difference can be a source of conflict when going on a trip with a large group of people, because proponents of both approaches feel the other is wasting the trip. I'm in the group that travels to see and spend time with people. For me, playing basketball and chess and cards is the perfect way to spend a vacation. Members of the other group of people criticized how I spent the trip, pointing out that I could have done all those things at home. My response is that while I can do those things at home, I don't, at least not with the same people.

As usual, I didn't do half the things I planned heading into the trip. I wanted to read a couple of books, I read half of one. I wanted to get everyone together for a big family soccer game, but that didn't happen, and I only played half as much basketball as I would have liked, but about as much as I expected. Despite missing out on these opportunities, I still had a very enjoyable vacation. I had fun seeing all my aunts and uncles and cousins and spending time cooking with my grandmother. I also finished preparing the secret surprise for my fiancée (I can't share it here, because she is my most devout and likely only reader). As we drive home, I can't wait to arrive back at my own house, but I also eagerly await next year. Next year, after visiting the same location and staying in the same house for twelve years, something new is finally entering the equation. You see, next year I will bring my fiancée, who will be my wife by then, and I get to introduce her to everything. I get to show her around and take her to the local amusement park and the putt putt course. Everything that currently feels old and worn out will be new and fresh and filled excitement. Well, I've rambled on long enough, hopefully by next time I'll finally get around to finishing that book and I'll have some comments on that, in the meantime follow me on twitter @samuelwriter I promise to follow you back if you tweet me the word "eggplants." Until next time. 

Pre Wedding Emotions Part Two

Hello again, I wasn't planning on writing another blog post tonight, but my thoughts turned back to the wedding, so I felt it fitting to provide an update. Whereas last night I was brimming with nervousness at the thought of taking such a huge step into a new territory, tonight a felt a surge of elation at the idea that my wedding is only twelve days away (as of midnight). What set my mind down this path, was the thought that the vacation I'm on is racing by, and soon it will be over. At first I was a little dispirited by the idea, but then I remembered that I would get to return to my loving fiancée, Chantel, and broke out into a smile in the middle of the darkness (I was trying to fall asleep at this point). Then my thought process continued down this line of logic, and I realized that each day that seems to fly away will bring me one step closer to my wedding. This simple comprehension filled me with a burst of elation; suddenly time couldn't fly away fast enough.
After reveling in the fact that I'm getting married in only twelve days, I was struck by how opposite my feelings were this night. Curious, I dug deeper into my thoughts, unraveling the change that made such a positive difference. In the end the change really wasn't all that consequential, it was a simple shift in focus. Last night, I was worried about all the responsibility that comes with getting married and moving out, tonight I only thought of the benefits of getting married, the extra time I'll get to spend with my beautiful Chantel, the joys of furnishing an apartment together and building our own home, and *ahem* if I'm being totally honest, there are some other benefits I can think of *wink*. I need to remember this, because too often I can be stuck in a rut of pessimistic thoughts, and it does me no good to fixate on negative things and I can't forget all the good things in my life. Even in the worst of circumstances, there are is always a silver lining if you can find it. In the meantime I will be reflecting on my wonderful fiancée, and imagining all the adventures that are in store for us in only twelve more days.

Pre Wedding Emotions

I am getting married in less than two weeks.
I am getting married in less than two weeks.
I am getting married in less than two weeks.
This thought keeps repeating in my head, I can't seem to wrap my mind around this idea. I feel like an explorer walking down a gangplank about to step into a new world. I know that my experience isn't new or even uncommon; I know that countless people before me have made this same commitment, but none of that makes a difference in how I feel. It doesn't help that I'm so young, for goodness sake, I'm still in college and I still return home and live at my parents' for the summer, so this step is more than just into a new lifestyle, I'm also stepping out from a previous lifestyle that is the only one I've ever known, and I can never return.
What got me started in this line of thought, was the idea that I need to learn to stop asking my parents for permission. That doesn't mean I should stop respecting my parents, I just need to change how I phrase things, while realizing that their saying "no" isn't the end of the matter. This may seem really immature, as I write this I can't help thinking I sound like a child excited at the idea of freedom, but really I'm filled with uncertainty. I'm a mostly obedient child, so the idea of no longer being under the authority of someone else is a foreign concept. These last few days remaining to me before my life-altering event will pass in the blink of an eye, and all too soon I will be facing the world without the umbrella of parents shielding me from it. (On a side tangent, I just realized that parents are very much like an umbrella, in that they can protect you from the small mistakes you make, but if you do anything really drastic, i.e. criminally drastic,  they won't be able save you.) I am unsure if I'm ready for the responsibility and it frightens me a little. I'm probably just making a big deal out of a momentary emotion, I am away on vacation, as I mentioned in my previous post, and my dear fiancée stayed behind leaving me feeling a little less sure of myself I am without her loving support. No matter I'll see her again in less than a week, and I'll likely feel a bit surer then. Well, it's four in the morning again, (I need to stop these late night posts and get some proper rest) and I really should try to get some sleep. I've been reading a couple of books as part of my research for my story and hopefully I can share with you any interesting findings and how they pertain to my story. In the meantime have fun, while I relax in the sun.

When Sleep Is Elusive

So it's almost four in the morning where I live, and despite my best efforts I am still awake. The worst part about being awake late into the night has to be the boredom. There is no one to interact with and social networks, such as Twitter and Facebook, have slowed to a dull trod. Sometimes I enjoy this abundance of time alone, it gives me space to work on projects and flesh out ideas for my writing, but the last few days my head has been stubbornly empty, and I've been left trying to entertain myself but eventually I run out of things to do. So here I am, writing a little monologue about my lonely sleeplessness. I keep hoping that inspiration will strike, but my head just feels foggy from lack of sleep. I'm no stranger to late nights, in the past year of school, I pulled more than a dozen all nighters, and that doesn't come close to the number of nights where my laptop was illuminated into the wee hours of the morning. I think I'll share a poem a wrote a while back, it was the product of a different sleepless night, but my imagination was much more active then. This is actually the first poem I ever wrote, and it still doesn't have a proper title. Well, here you go: 

A sad man sits on a throne of gold;

his mind wandering to days of old.

Of youthful games that he had played,

of days spent lying in the shade.

A life of peace without a worry,

going nowhere in a hurry.

Each day spent without a care,

with lots and lots of time to spare;

but lo' he turned his back on bliss

and at first glance naught seemed amiss.

So each day he sought out gold,

doing all that he was told,

by men who were devoured be greed,

men who only lived to feed.

And so the joy of life was gone,

each day a new weight put upon

his back which had been without strain,

before his mind was set on gain.

And now his gains have added up,

to his surprise he has grownup

a child of joy he is no more

the loss of youth has left him sore.

And so he sits upon his thrown,

wishing that he had not grown,

for though the world he now possesses,

his life is rife with many stresses,

and though he would pay any cost

to be returned to what he lost,

there is no going back to youth,

each day he faces this sad truth.

And he wonders all the time

if he'd chosen a different line,

would life be happy instead of sad?

Each day he wonders, slowly going mad.

Aging is one of my greatest fears, I feel like Peter Pan sometimes, because I hate the idea of time passing and things changing. I have a strong desire for permanence and that is probably the source of my abiding loyalty. I know it's a simple poem, and it doesn't have much depth or leave much room for reading into it, but still I am immensely proud of it, because it was the first time I ever expressed anything in verse, and showed me how easy it can be to find a rhyme if you take the time. 

Well, I've spent twenty minutes or so working on this post (I know, I'm a slow writer, I get self conscious when I share my words), I think I'll give another crack at sleep; tomorrow I'm going on vacation, I get to spend a week with my father's family in what has become an annual tradition. I can't wait to share experiences from the trip, and maybe some reflections on previous trips, since this is the eleventh time we have visited this location. Hopefully I will conquer my insecurity and write again soon. In the meantime, I will be authing. 

That Awkward Second Post

This is the post following the initial post, the first post is written with the thrilling excitement of having just created a new blog. It feels so easy to write the first post, to introduce yourself to the great unknown. However, by the second post the self-doubts are starting to set in, you tell yourself that you're not interesting, why would anyone want to read what you have to say? Then you think maybe this isn't such a good idea, it sounds like a lot of work anyway and really, you can't be bothered. At least this is the thought process I went through this morning as I pondered what to write about now. Fortunately I have a loving fiancee who supports me no matter what I do, and I know that if no one else she'll read it, and she'll smile and tell me she thinks it's wonderful. Hopefully in the next few weeks, or possible the few weeks after that seeing as I'm so busy right now, I'll fall into a routine and update on regular occasions. For now, I'll try to get a few quick posts up so that there's something to look at and then maybe take a break to get married. To quote Blue from Pokemon, "Smell ya' later."

To Auth

I decided to start off by talking a bit about myself, and why I chose such admittedly unusual name for my blog. I am a college student in my early twenties, and I aspire to be a professor and an author. I currently studying writing at the undergraduate level and plan to continue on to grad school and hopefully get my PhD in English with a focus on writing. I'm also about to get married, in fact I my wedding is in a little over three weeks, so that is a big life change that I'm about to be going through.

Anyway, about why I named this blog thus. When I was growing up, I was an avid reader, my favorite author was Mr. Brian Jacques. After voraciously reading and rereading all of his books for years, one day I got to see him live at a local book signing. That evening was unforgettable, Jacques was a master at captivating an audience, but one thing in particular that stuck with me was how he described the beginning of his writing career. He said something along the lines of, "I didn't wake up on day and say, 'I am an author and I will auth." The rest of the story was quite hilarious from the way he described his original manuscript, eight hundred pages long and written on recycled paper, or his first meeting with his publisher and the impression he did of her, but what stuck with me most was that little nonexistent word "auth." Since I am currently working on a manuscript of my own, I feel a certain kinship with Brian Jacques (who is no longer with us, sadly enough), so I use it to describe what I aspire to do, I want to auth.